Denny's THE HOBBIT-Inspired Menu

I'm not really a foodie, so this isn't my field, but I'm going to try my hand at a little bit of food criticism with Denny's Restaurants' new menu items inspired by this weekend's major new release, THE HOBBIT: THE DESOLATION OF SMAUG.  One way or another, a guy's got to eat, so when I eat out, the most important point in deciding where to take my patronage is whether or not and which movies the eatery options are partnered up with.  Usually, it's Subway, because with Disney taking the lead in cross-promoting efforts and Subway being the only major restaurant chain to meet their stringent public relations-driven health standards, some of the rest have followed suit, such as last month's THE HUNGER GAMES: CATCHING FIRE.  Long gone are the days when McDonald's and Burger King could be counted on to offer an assortment of collectible kids' meals toys.  Atypical for a sit-down restaurant like Denny's, they've clinched a deal to co-market with Peter Jackson's epic fantasy trilogy THE HOBBIT, with a full sub-menu of items "inspired by" the films, with names like "Smaug's Fire Burger" and "Radagast's Red Velvet Pancake Puppies," in order to make the ordering experience as fun/awkward as possible for you, the valued customer.  Over the course of the past month, I've tried each and every of their Hobbit-inspired items, and discreetly tried to order each one with as little emphasis on the weird names as possible, while the local waitress have come to recognize me on a surname basis.  Now a fully informed customer, I can offer up my Middle-Earth cuisine savvy by the item.

Smaug's Fire Burger

Smaug's Fire Burger

The Fire Burger is the showpiece of THE HOBBIT Menu, the most prominently featured item and named for the titular villainous dragon in the film.  A hand-pressed hamburger patty made with a 7-pepper blend on a distinctive cheddar bun with "X-Sauce," Jalapeno Battle Caps, pepper jack cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, red onions and pickles.  Served with fries.
I'll admit that I cheated some by removing the Jalapeno Bottle Caps from the burger, not merely because they were especially spicy on an already spicy burger, but mainly because I think jalapenos taste disgusting.  For all the extra bits with the pepper blend, pepper jack cheese and "X-Sauce," it wasn't very spicy at all without the jalapenos, which I'm sure had leaked some into the burger anyway.  I love cheesburgers; their one of my very favorite things to get at diners and drive-thrus, but the Fire Burger, a patty made similarly to the rest of their burgers I assume (I am not a Denny's regular), was bland and unremarkable in anyway, despite being of substantial size.  The fries were available as Regular or Seasoned, and I chose the Seasoned Fries, which were similar in taste and texture to Arby's signature Curly Fries, albeit, not curled.  Smaug's Fire Burger wasn't actually bad, but it wasn't noteworthy or especially good either.
Quality: 2/5    Price: $8.49

Bilbo's Breakfast Feast
Named for the titular "Hobbit" of the film, this breakfast platter comes with Honey Cake French Toast, eggs scrambled with cheddar cheese, fresh spinach and mushrooms; a Hearty Breakfast Sausage, and hash browns.
This assortment of items is a bit of a mixed bag, with the best item being the Honey Cake French Toast, which don't really look like the honey-drizzled picture, but is thickly-sliced, toasted bread with a very sweet honey taste.  My least favorite is the scrambled eggs with cheddar cheese, spinach and mushrooms.  If you are a big fan of mushrooms, then this just may well be your thing, but I do not like mushrooms at all, and they are by far the most overwhelming taste in these eggs.  They're like mushroom-flavored mush.  Hash browns are pretty standard, and that's no complaint, while the Hearty Breakfast Sausage, a plump, bratwurst-sized breakfast sausage, is too spicy and greasy for my taste.
Quality: 2/5    Price: $7.99

Bilbo's Breakfast Feast

Build Your Own Hobbit Slam
Basically Denny's traditional Grand Slam Breakfast but with Hobbit Menu items included with the regular Grand Slam options.  Pick any four items out including bacon, sausage, oatmeal, pancakes, etc. or the new Hobbit Menu items, Honey Cake French Toast, Sweet Potato Pecan Pancakes and Hearty Breakfast Sausage.
Having covered the Honey Cake French Toast and Hearty Breakfast Sausage in the "Bilbo's Breakfast Feast," I'll stick with covering the Sweet Potato Pecan Pancakes.  Each order includes two sweet potato pancakes each, filled with glazed pecans (like chocolate chip pancakes but with pecans instead) and served with cinnamon sauce.  They're a "down-homey" sort of taste and not bad, but it is a tad strange to be chewing a pancake and find something crunchy like a pecan in there.
Quality: 3.5/5    Price: $6.59 (add $0.49 for each premium item)

Hobbit Hole Breakfast

Hobbit Hole Breakfast
A returning item from The Hobbit-inspired Menu made to accompany last year's THE HOBBIT: AN UNEXPECTED JOURNEY, the Hobbit Hole Breakfast comes with two cheddar bun halves, each with an egg fried into the center of it, as well as two slices of bacon and hash browns made with cheddar cheese and bits of bacon.
This was my favorite of the breakfast items, a hearty and substantial meal for simple tastes with lots of starch.  The eggs fried into the bun halves are especially interesting, made with the same sort of cheddar buns used for Smaug's Fire Burger, and the eggs fried right inside a hollowed-out section of the bun,
Quality: 4.5/5    Price: $6.99

Dwarves' Turkey & Dressing Dinner
Also returning from last year's menu is this Thanksgiving-style feast, by far the largest single order of all The Hobbit Menu options.  The main course consists of three large, approximately 1/2 inch-thick, slices of roast turkey breast meat, with a large portion of stuffing and mashed potatoes, all covered in turkey gravy, with a ramekin of cranberry sauce.  Additionally, it comes with a side of toasted dinner bread and two sides of your choice.  I chose a Caesar Salad and Dippable Vegetables.
Because of the amount of food that came with this one, I split it between two meals.  This item's major bragging point is how much food it includes.  The turkey was surprisingly good, with a honey-glazed taste and I really like the dinner bread too.
Quality: 4.5/5    Price: $8.99

DESSERTS & OTHER SIDES
Bard's Pumpkin Pie Milk Shake
Named for Luke Evans' character in the film and apparently made with actual pumpkin pie and vanilla ice cream, this is a fairly typical pumpkin pie-style milk shake, except that it also has the bits of pie crust mixed in as well.  It's very sweet and creamy and not really my thing, but a decent milk shake one way or another.
Quality: 2.5/5    Price: $3.79

Bowman's Brew Pumpkin Coffee
Also named for Luke Evans' character in the film, this Denny's Bold Signature Diner Roast mixed with pumpkin pie flavor and cream was by a sizable margin my least favorite item.  My taste in coffee isn't very refined, nor do I drink it often, so it's not like I'm an aficionado or anything, but this stuff tasted nothing like "pumpkin pie" and was a very bitter, burnt taste to choke down.
Quality: 1/5    Price: $2.59

Radagast's Red Velvet Pancake Puppies
Another encore from the last year's menu, these hushpuppies are made from red velvet batter mixed with white chocolate chips then deep-fried in bite-sized balls, dusted in powdered sugar and served with a dish of cream cheese icing to dip them in.
Served with six Pancake Puppies to an order, this rather rich dessert is best in moderate to small helpings, and are very good, but become decreasingly so as you go on.  Crunchy, doughy and very sweet, this is one worth sharing with someone.
Quality: 4/5    Price: $1.99

Radagast's Red Velvet Pancake Puppies Sundae
Made with three Red Velvet Pancake Puppies as explained above (the menu says three, but I could swear mine came with five), drizzled with cream cheese ice cream and served with a scoop of vanilla ice cream.  Again, very rich, but not as shareable now, but also in a slightly more controlled portion and balanced by the cold ice cream.
Quality: 4/5    Price: $2.00

Elven Woodland Pies
Really just Denny's traditional Pumpkin and Pecan pies.  Nothing really remarkable about either.  They're just standard pies, available by the slice or by the whole and served with an option of whipped cream or vanilla ice cream.
Quality: 2.5/5    Price: $2.00 per slice or $12.00 for the whole pie