G.I. Joseph, the Pyrotechnics Spectacular

G.I. JOE: RETALIATION
2 out of 4 stars
Directed by Jon M. Chu
Starring: Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, Byung-hun Lee, Jonathan Pryce, Ray Park, Adrianne Palicki, Elodie Yung, Channing Tatum, D.J. Catrona, Luke Bracey, Ray Stevenson, RZA
Rated PG-13 for intense sequences of combat violence and martial arts action throughout, and for brief sensuality and language.

Well, crap.  You'd think it would be a given that an action movie, wherein the main players are super-powered soldiers and mega-ninjas, would be unavoidably awesome.  But unfortunately, G.I. JOE: THE RISE OF COBRA (2009) proved that theory wrong, and now the sequel/reboot, G.I. JOE: RETALIATION, has done the same, albeit in a different way.
With a new director, new writers and new stars, RETALIATION nonetheless follows up faithfully on the open-ended conclusion of THE RISE OF COBRA, wherein COBRA (archenemy organization to the Joes) agent/master-of-disguise, Zartan, has infiltrated the White House and is impersonating the President (Jonathan Pryce, delivering a fun and unhinged performance).  The G.I. Joes, the elite world protection force (like Team America, but with sincerity), is in the Middle East preventing terrorists (in turbans!) from obtaining nukes, when COBRA forces attack on orders by the President/Zartan, incinerating most of the Joes.  Among the survivors are the massively muscular Marvin Hinton aka Roadblock (Dwayne Johnson), Flint (D.J. Catrona) and Jaye Burnett aka Lady Jaye (Adrianne Palicki), as well as the silently stoic ultra-ninja, Snake Eyes (stuntman Ray Park, best known as Darth Maul), who's been training in the Himalayas with fellow ninja Jinx (Elodie Yung) under the tutelage of the Blind Master (RZA, sporting an odd sort of "black man's fu manchu").  The Joe's discover that the President is not who he says he is and as it turns out, he's been petitioning for worldwide nuclear disarmament so that COBRA can hijack the world with its space weapon thing, code-named Zeus.
The  obscenely thin plot is present simply to sustain over an hour-and-a-half of action set-pieces, but it can't even do that; regardless, they roll the action sequences out dutifully.  Seriously, although many movies are described as "non-stop action," few are as aptly described thus as this.  And hey, maybe that's really all that G.I. Joe should be about, but it's like they aren't even trying outside of action choreography, and worse, quite a bit of the action flirts with incoherency as it utilizes excessively rapid editing and blurry, spastic camerawork in a misguided imitation of BOURNE series.  But I guess you get what you pay for, and here you get a bulging surplus of combat and destruction, accompanied by a rattling rock soundtrack and aggressively cheesy macho/homoerotic bromancing.

A bromance made in heaven

The tone of the whole is wildly unsteady as it seems either unaware of the difference between, or whether to settle on pulp or simple juvenility; for instance, you get ninjas twirling katanas between shooting massive firearms and COBRA agents replacing the Stars & Stripes with a COBRA banner atop the White House, but then you also have tons of goofy banter and no shortage of childish fantasy embodiments.  The best way I can describe the tone of this film is like a cross between Michael Bay's TRANSFORMERS trilogy and the THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS franchise, but the audience it's actually aimed at is unclear due to its sensibilities that waver between frat boy and 9-years-old boy, as the copious violence tests the possibilities of the PG-13 rating and conservative politics are laced throughout the script.
Actually, the conservative politics aren't all that surprising, and they'll be pleasing to certain demographics, although not so much to the teen and college-age audiences that the movie relies on.  Despite the popular belief, Hollywood does not quite run as liberal as thought, and while the liberal worldview is the majority opinion in Hollywood, the Hollywood product has a tendency to lean in the direction opposite of the dominant political party.  That is, most movies don't endorse an actual political view, due to the risk of alienating any audience, but the ones that do lean conservative during a liberal administration.  So in this case, the plot seriously has elements in opposition to nuclear disarmament, in fact the plan of the villains revolves around getting countries to disarm themselves of nukes, so that the villains can then swoop in on defenseless nations with their super-weapon.  Guns are on display with a pornographic panache, the international cooperation-based G.I. Joes of the last film are replaced by American exceptionalism and when Lady Jaye introduces herself undercover to Zartan/the President, she introduces herself to him as a Fox News reporter.  To my non-politically motivated dismay, he then responds with a flirtatious "that's why you look so 'fair and balanced'.  Yuck.
On the bright side, there is a magnificent action showcase of non-stop, dialogue-free ninja combat ranging from a Himalayan dojo to a sheer mountainside, lasting nearly ten minutes long.  It starts out as Snake Eyes and Jinx are taking COBRA ninja, Storm Shadow (Byung-hun Lee) hostage, and that unfortunately involves the incoherent hand-to-hand combat where the camera chases every damn movement, but then Snake Eyes and Jinx fight to protect their prize against a squad of COBRA ninjas while repelling along a vast stretch of rocky mountainside, and that's pretty awesome.

Ninja like stealth just fine, but...guns

Also, the film is relentlessly fast-paced, and though it's exhausting and completely ignores the story, sometimes even throwing in scenes with inexplicably zero relation to the rest, i.e., a way out of place and useless prologue sequence, it does all go by with surprising quickness.
The cast does fine too, with the Rock doing his usual shtick as a charmingly charismatic macho man with a douchey look, and Jonathan Pryce is amusingly unrestrained as the villainous Zartan, disguised as the President.  Stuntmen Ray Park and Byung-hun Lee don't really need to act anyway, because their casting really is all about their stunts, so that's all good, while Channing Tatum has some funny moments as Conrad Hauser aka Duke, but his role is so inconsequential that it's a wonder that they even bothered to bring him back at all.  As Flint, it's easy to forget that D.J. Catrona is even in this, as he lacks any screen presence and basically just fills in space.  Bruce Willis makes an appearance as the original G.I. Joe, General Joe Colton, and plays it with dry humor, although his best lines have already been heard in the advertising.  Just on the side, as a fun bit of trivia, the young rookie, Mouse, who is featured early on as a member of Duke and Roadblock's team, is played by Joseph Mazzello, who played John Hammond's grandchild, Tim Murphy, in JURASSIC PARK (1993).
I don't think RETALIATION fulfills the not-to-hard-to-fulfill promise of being better than THE RISE OF COBRA, but it does do its own thing, and even if you didn't realize it was possible, there is definitely more action.  As usual, it's a matter of taste.

YOU MIGHT ENJOY G.I. JOE: RETALIATION IF YOU LIKED:
FAST FIVE (2011)
TRANSFORMERS (2007)
THE MAN WITH THE IRON FISTS (2012)
BATTLESHIP (2012)
RED (2010)