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Thursday, December 15, 2016

Review: ROGUE ONE

ROGUE ONE: A STAR WARS STORY
(ACTION-ADVENTURE/FANTASY) 
★★★
Directed by Gareth Edwards
Starring: Felicity Jones, Diego Luna, Alan Tudyk, Donnie Yen, Wen Jiang, Ben Mendelsohn, Forest Whitaker, Riz Ahmed, Mads Mikkelsen, Jimmy Smits, Alistair Petrie, Genevieve O'Reilly, Ben Daniels
Rated PG-13 for extended sequences of sci-fi violence and action.
133 minutes
Verdict: The first one-off of the Star Wars franchise is a mostly good mixed bag, but its final scenes are a treasure trove of pure "HOLY S-H-*-T" awesomeness.
YOU MAY BE INTERESTED IN ROGUE ONE: A STAR WARS STORY IF YOU ENJOYED:
STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS  (2015)
STAR WARS: EPISODE III - REVENGE OF THE SITH  (2005)
STAR WARS  (1977)
THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK  (1980)
RETURN OF THE JEDI  (1983)

Something miraculous happened during the last 10 or 15 minutes of ROGUE ONE: A STAR WARS STORY before the end credits.  You know how when you were a kid, there were some things that could make you unreasonably excited, pulsating uncontrollable energy, whether it was Christmas morning, a birthday or maybe going to the latest installment of your favorite movie series opening in theaters?  But now, as an adult, even at your happiest, you can almost never reattain that super-charge of shallow but intense excitement about things?  I got a taste of that exhilaration during the last 10 to 15 minutes of ROGUE ONE.  I mean, we're talking orgasmic, heart-racing, brain-blanking, pure unadulterated joy.  The rest of the movie is kind of a mixed bag.  Mostly on the positive side of things, but a few more misses than you really want.
ROGUE ONE is the first in what Lucasfilm was originally calling the Star Wars Anthology series, and which are now called Star Wars Stories, differentiated from the main thread of the saga that has chronicled the adventures of the Skywalker family, usually labeled as "Episodes" in their titles.  ROGUE ONE is a one-off, and doesn't begin with the iconic fanfare and equally iconic opening crawl.  The original STAR WARS, released in 1977 and alternately titled STAR WARS: EPISODE IV - A NEW HOPE (the best installment in the series by far, and don't let any self-serious fanboy/fangirl tell you differently), centered around stolen blueprint plans for the planet-destroying super-weapon the Death Star which Princess Leia hid inside R2-D2 to protect them from the sinister agents of the Empire in pursuit.  ROGUE ONE is about the characters who stole those plans to give to Leia and takes place just prior to the events of the original film.
Without getting into specifics (because everyone throws a big hissy fit about that), ROGUE ONE takes place about 18 years after the fall of the Republic in REVENGE OF THE SITH, with the fledgling Rebel Alliance struggling to attain a foothold in resisting the Galactic Empire, which has consolidated power.  A young woman named Jyn Erso (Felicity Jones) is recruited by the Rebellion in order to help them find her father, Galen (Mads Mikkelsen), the brilliant engineer who helped design the Death Star, which is nearing the completion of its construction under the grasping ambitions of Director Krennic (Ben Mendelsohn), and who may have sent a transmission to anti-Empire insurgents about a potential weakness in the weapon.  Among the team that comes together to help Jyn is the morally conflicted spy Captain Cassian Andor (Diego Luna), the blind monk-like warrior Chirrut Îmwe (Donnie Yen) and his assassin comrade Baze Malbus (Jiang Wen), a reprogrammed former Imperial droid called K-2SO (Alan Tudyk), and an Imperial defector named Bohdi Rook (Riz Ahmed).
Written by Chris Weitz and Tony Gilroy, the story is a bit loosely strung together at times, and while the mirroring of events in previously existing Star Wars films (something THE FORCE AWAKENS took to an extreme by practically remaking A NEW HOPE) is fine, there are a number of less than subtle, groan-worthy callbacks for fans to squeal at with joyful recognition.  I'm sure it's different for everyone, but as I noted with THE FORCE AWAKENS a year ago, Star Wars movies are tricky because of the unique familiarity that I feel with the movies I grew up with, even the divisive prequel trilogy.  THE FORCE AWAKENS initially felt unfamiliar and it took me a couple of viewing to warm up to it, to where it's flaws are still there and they bug me, but not as much.  It's entirely watchable in a way that few movies are.  But a tremendous weakness of THE FORCE AWAKENS is how safely it plays things, while ROGUE ONE risks instability at times by trying new things.  Rather than sticking to the pure, idealistic Rebellion of the original trilogy, the movie wades into slightly murkier waters of wartime espionage, radical insurgent factions and the darker activities of a cause.  There are also stylistic choices in the designs that may or may not eventually feel expected but are a little jarring at at first, and I occasionally had difficulty keeping up with the names of places and people, which usually isn't a problem for me.  But another thing about Star Wars is that for anyone with an already existing emotional investment in the series, each new movie can be like watching an adaptation of a familiar book and the changes to your mental image of things (certain deleted concepts from previous installments visually realized in this film) may be off-putting, at least at first.
Directed by Gareth Edwards, who got the job after directing the 2014 reboot of GODZILLA, there's a good sense of scale and scope to action, especially when foot soldiers are caught in a battle with the famous Imperial AT-AT "walkers".  The context of rumored production troubles resulting in re-shoots are unclear, although the movie does have some occasionally wonky pacing and character motivations, particularly with Forest Whitaker's Clone Wars veteran Saw Gerrera, who has ties to Jyn and her father, and the first half of the film.  These could be related or for other reasons entirely, and more importantly, the movie as a whole holds together.  Some of the characters are more fun or interesting than others, and unfortunately, neither of the two leads in Jyn or Cassian meet the potential they're set up for, as if certain details were set up with their corresponding payoffs removed.  Tudyk's K-2SO is funny, sort of a mix between C-3PO, Chewbacca and Drax from GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY, with a habit of speaking without a filter, and I really liked Donnie Yen as the Force-sensitive mystic.  As someone who appreciates the prequels, it's also nice to see some connective tissue in bringing back Jimmy Smits as Senator Bail Organa and Genevieve O'Reilly as Senator Mon Mothma, both Rebellion figureheads.  At least a few human characters appear as CGI creations to no doubt expensive but varied effect, although it's hard to tell with such things whether the visual effect is noticeable because you're looking for it, but there are a couple of very impressive shots using the technology.
But it's at the end, full of stuff that I can't tell you about, that suddenly won the whole movie for me.  I mean, I guess its all stuff that would be expected, and it's fan service, sure, but holy freaking crap, I had forgotten what it was like for a movie to hit me with so much adrenaline.
                                                                                                                                                                    Images via Lucasfilm

Monday, December 12, 2016

A Holladay's Sampler of Best Bad Movies for the Holidays

There's something special about a wonderfully terrible Christmas movie.  I don't mean any old bad Christmas movie.  I mean those special ones that are magically creepy and/or stupid.  Some people ask why you'd want to watch a bad movie.  I ask, how can you not appreciate certain happy little accidents?  I'm not talking about movies that happen to be ineptly made or made on the super-cheap.  These are movies that either in a spirit of true festive sincerity or the reasonable expectation of financial returns on seasonal entertainment went forth, indulged in the sentimentality and mania of the holidays, and through a balanced blend of good intentions and dumb luck created a holiday misfire to enjoy for years to come.  It's not just that they're unintentionally funny either, although they are.  They're palatable in an idiotic way, like watching someone else's family get-together go horribly wrong but without the eventual hurt feelings and possible violence.

                                                                                                                DreamWorks
SURVIVING CHRISTMAS  (COMEDY, 2004)
Directed by Mike Mitchell
Starring: Ben Affleck, James Gandolfini, Christina Applegate, Catherine O'Hara, Josh Zuckerman, Bill Macy, Jennifer Morrison, Udo Kier, David Selby, Stephanie Faracy, Stephen Root, Sy Richardson
Rated PG-13 for sexual content, language and a brief drug reference.
91 minutes
SURVIVING CHRISTMAS is amazing and one of my favorite terrible Christmas movies.  It was released in October 2004 and quickly dumped onto DVD two months later before Christmas, because at the height of anti-Affleck sentiment, people didn't realize the twisted holiday antics they were missing.  It begins with a montage of random people committing suicide in the midst of festivities, including an elderly woman making gingerbread men who turns her gas oven on and sticking her head in while "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year" blares.  It's a great start, but then we're introduced to Ben Affleck's Drew Latham, a decidedly unhinged and excessively wealthy advertising exec who horrifies his girlfriend with tickets for a Christmas trip to Fiji instead of wanting to spend time with his family, so she dumps him.  Panicked at the thought of spending Christmas alone, but not close to anyone, Drew counsels his therapist, who tells him to write down his "grievances" and symbolically burn them in front of his childhood home.  Ya know, stand in front of a stranger's house and burn stuff.  The house belongs to Tom Valco (James Gandolfini) and his family, so Tom whacks crazy Drew in the head with a snow shovel and drags his unconscious body into the house to decide what to do with him.  When Drew wakes up, he persuades the Valcos to play as his own family over the holidays for the right exorbitant sum of money, but the charade tries the family's patience as Drew is freaking nuts and has a number of Hallmark card-inspired Christmas traditions he's intent on experiencing.  The youngest Valco, Brian (Josh Zuckerman), is addicted to internet pornography, Mrs. Valco, Christine (Catherine O'Hara), is depressed and she and Tom are considering a divorce, and when the oldest of the Valco brood, Alicia (Christina Applegate) comes home, Drew can't decide whether he's in love with her or annoyed with her for fouling up his perfect Christmas plans.  Drew tries to get the family to follow a script, signs them to an official contract with his lawyer and hires a local actor to play his grandpa "Doo-Dah."  But when the old girlfriend hears that Drew is with his "family" for Christmas, she decides to pay a visit that puts everyone's roleplaying skills to the test, and with the Doo-Dah actor putting the moves on Christine and Drew clearly infatuated with Alicia, the mistaken incest jokes start to fly at an alarming rate.
                                                                                                                        DreamWorks
SURVIVING CHRISTMAS Highlights!
  • The Christmas-themed suicides montage opening credits sequence.
  • Porn-addicted son Brian and his fake "Doo-Dah" (Bill Macy) bond while web surfing for "Middle Aged Hotties", only to discover a graphic photo of Brian's mom (whether it's a Photoshop job or actual is left open-ended) just as the family and friends walks in to see as well.  Merry Christmas!
  • In the final scene before the credits roll, Drew's ex-girlfriend Missy and her parents drive past to see Drew and his supposed sister Alicia making out, which Missy's father justifies with, "'Tis the season to be jolly, honey."

                                                                                                 Warner Brothers
JACK FROST  (FAMILY/FANTASY, 1998)
Directed by Troy Miller
Starring: Michael Keaton, Kelly Preston, Joseph Cross, Mark Addy, Henry Rollins, Mika Boorem, Andrew Lawrence, Taylor Handley, Eli Marienthal, Will Rothaar
Rated PG for mild language.
101 minutes
A family-ish film sprinkled throughout with weirdly inappropriate jokes about snowman penises, JACK FROST is the wonderful story of a man named Jack Frost (Michael Keaton), who plays in a band called The Jack Frost Band (a fountain of originality, this script) who doesn't spend enough time with his family, a problem made considerably worse when he ditches his wife (Kelly Preston) and kid, Charlie (Joseph Cross), on Christmas and drives off a cliff.  A year later, Charlie accidentally summons Jack back from the netherworld in the body of a goddamn snowman (ah, there's your originality), and the first thing snowman Jack checks when he realizes that he's a snowman is whether he still has a penis (he does not, however, earlier in the film, the live Jack tried to put a penis on the snowman he was building with Charlie in the middle of the night ("Nose? I thought you said 'hose'!"), so to be fair, he wasn't coming completely out of left field with that one).  It then becomes clear that the reason Jack has been brought back as a snowman is in order to get his son to stop moping over the distant dad's gruesomely fatal car accident and get back to more important things, like Little League hockey.
                                                                                                                                                                Warner Brothers
JACK FROST Highlights!
  • Jack comes home in the middle of the night after touring and wakes Charlie up to build a snowman.  Charlie gives him the nose to put on and Jack tries to place it beneath the buttons.  "Dad, no!" says Charlie.  "Nose?  I thought you said 'hose!'" says Jack.
  • As Jack ditches his family for the last time before driving off a cliff, Charlie protests, "But, dad..." and Jack cuts him off.  "Butt Dad?  Did you just call me Butt Dad?  That'd make you Butt Boy.  Bye, Butt Family!"
  • While evading snowball-throwing bullies on a toboggan, snowman Jack is hit by a pair of snowballs in the chest region and pauses a moment to fondle his own snow-boobs.
  • As snowman Jack is melting, Charlie convinces the school bully, Rory, to help save him, because as Rory points out, "Snow-Dad is better than no dad."


                                                   20th Century Fox
JINGLE ALL THE WAY  (FAMILY/COMEDY, 1996)
Directed by Brian Levant
Starring: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sinbad, Phil Hartman, Rita Wilson, Robert Conrad, Martin Mull, Jake Lloyd, Jim Belushi, E.J. de la Pena
Rated PG for action violence, mild language and some thematic elements.
89 minutes
Okay, first things first, Arnold Schwarzenegger, the hulking, musclebound, chiseled, thickly Austrian-accented beefcake is playing an average upper-middle class mattress salesman/suburban dad.  That insanity alone is enough to recommend this '90s family comedy about everything to hate about the holidays, but that's not all!  No folks, there's also Phil Hartman as an ultra-smarmy "perfect dad" hitting on Schwarzenegger's wife, pre-9/11 jokes about cops being getting injured by explosive packages, Schwarzenegger punching a reindeer before getting it drunk, and Jake "The Phantom Menace" Lloyd.  Oh, and child molestation!  A memorable moment of a mistaken case of child molestation.  "I'm not a pervert!  I just was looking for a Turbo Man doll!"
                                                                                                                             20th Century Fox
JINGLE ALL THE WAY Highlights!
  • Anything with Phil Hartman in this movie is legitimately funny.
  • When Howard trips Myron with an R/C car while they're running after a woman with a Turbo Man doll and pauses to look down on him on the floor, saying "Poor baby!" before giggling and bolting away.  I still remember that from a commercial that played during a Christmas special when I was 5, and it's still freaking funny.
  • The whole "Hey little girl, how about a shiny red ball," and "I'm not a pervert! I was just looking for a Turbo Man doll!"
  • Myron pushes over a dancer dressed as a wrapped box in the "Wintertainment Parade" and shouts "Outta my way, box!"
  • Jake Lloyd and Phil Hartman's kid high-five when they see Cat in the Hat.
                                                                                                                     NBC/Universal
SANTA CLAUS IS COMIN' TO TOWN  (MUSICAL/KIDS, 1970)
Directed by Jules Bass & Arthur Rankin Jr.
Featuring the Voices of: Fred Astaire, Mickey Rooney, Keenan Wynn, Paul Frees, Robie Lester, Joan Gardner, Greg Thomas
Not Rated (G-level)
48 minutes
In spite of their perennial popularity, the Rankin/Bass holiday TV specials are not very good.  I'm sure there are some people who genuinely appreciate them for their craft and artistic merit, but the most likely source of their cultural endurance is the fact that everyone sees them as children, at which time they are slightly traumatized by the creepy characters and noxious songs, but not enough to go into catatonic shock.  The memory of this trauma later registers in adults as similar enough to nostalgia, so they introduce their own children to the specials, and the cycle starts over again.  It's a theory anyway.  There's a number of them to choose from, most if not all of them falling somewhere around a "good-bad" quality, but Santa Claus is Comin' to Town is the best-worst of the bunch.  Narrated by S.D. Kluger, a mailman with the voice of Fred Astaire, the stop-motion-animated short purports to tell the origin story of Santa Claus, in a fashion not so dissimilar from the typical superhero origin story (SUPERMAN: THE MOVIE didn't even come out for eight more years).  Kluger claims to be explaining all the questions about Santa that he sees in letters from children, but frankly, he creates as many mysteries as he answers.  The villain is a true badass though; the burgermeister, Burgermeister Meisterburger (voice of Paul Frees, perhaps best known as the Ghost Host on Walt Disney's Haunted Mansion).  When the baby who will grow up to be Santa is left on the Burgermeister's doorstep for gosh-knows-what-reason by gosh-knows-who (yeah, thanks for the info, S.D. Kluger), the man wisely spits out his food and tells his stooge to take it to the Orphan Asylum.  Like I said, a total badass.  I love this guy.  As the Burgermeister's main henchman Grimsby (also voiced by Frees) is on his way to the Orphan Asylum, the baby blows away in the wind and makes it all the way over a damn mountain before landing at the doorstep of what may be a cult.  In any case, they call themselves the "Kringles."  There are five short men with bushy white beards; Dingle Kringle, Wingle Kringle, Bingle Kringle, Tingle Kringle, and Zingle Kringle; and they're all lorded over by the significantly taller and plumper Tanta Kringle (voice of Joan Gardner).  Naturally, they're 100% cool with adopting a baby that shows up on the doorstep after a storm, even though it's redheaded baby with a name tag that says Claus (apparently they've seen a horror movie, because this is totally a horror movie scenario).  In spite of the name tag, Tanta has to make everything her own, so she names the baby "Kris" instead.  It is here that Santa, or as he's known at this point, Kris Kringle, attains his first Santa powers.  The creepy Kringles teach him to build toys (not that it matters, because later, he'll enslave his adopted family to build all the toys for him), and forest creatures such as deer and sea lions (wtf) teach him nifty tricks like jumping over rooftops and "ho ho ho"-type laughing.  Under the rule of Tanta Kringle (maybe their mom, maybe their wife?), the Kringles build toys in their isolated woodland cabin and then let them pile up outside, but when Kris grows into a big, strapping lad voiced by Mickey Rooney, he decides to take those toys over the mountain and give them to the children of Sombertown.  Unbeknownst to him though, the Burgermeister recently slipped on a toy, rolled down a flight of stairs and was diagnosed by the worst doctor ever (or maybe the best doctor ever?) with a broken funny bone, and ever since, the Big Government Nanny State has banned toys.  Tanta gives Kris a bright red suit, presumably as a prank to make him look like a freak in the overwhelming grayness of Sombertown, and sends him on his way.  Along the way, he meets a lost penguin (because why not?), and even though he acts like there's some sort of process to how he names it, he clearly pulls the name 'Topper' right out of his butt, like he's been waiting his whole life to name a penguin Topper.  Then, in one of the unintentionally, hilariously, absolutely creepy moments of "family entertainment" ever devised, Kris distributes the toys to the children of Sombertown for a price: that they sit on his lap and kiss him.  Um... barf?  Seriously, the song is alternatively titled "If You Sit on My Lap Today" (oh, Good Lord) and "Be Prepared to Pay" (omigawd), with lyrics like, "If you sit on my lap today, a kiss a toy is the price you'll pay," and "When you sit on my left knee, don't be stingy. Be prepared to pay!"  Um, hey parents!  There's a stranger in a flamboyant outfit out in the courtyard offering toys to children who will sit on his lap and kiss him!  No freaking duh, the Burgermeister declares him an outlaw (ostensibly for distributing illegal toys, but what public official wants to directly acknowledge an epidemic of whatever the hell else Kris was up to).  Escaping the clutches of the Burgermeister's guards, Kris starts to make his way back over the mountain, but this time runs into the super hardcore Winter Warlock (voice of Keenan Wynn; the character closely resembles the Ice King from Adventure Time) who captures him with uncertain intentions.  Luckily, Kris still has a leftover toy train to give to Winter, and the act of kindness melts the ice away from the old wizard's heart, and he decides to start hanging out with the Kringles, because what else is a neutered ice warlock to do?  Despite being banned from Sombertown for perfectly reasonable reasons, the Kringles won't stop making toys, and Kris has to dump them on those greedy-ass kids somehow.  Luckily, Kris has seduced a snooty school teacher named Jessica (voice of Robie Lester) with the gift of a china doll, and she gets the forest animals to take the kids' gimme lists to Kris ("So that's how he gets all the letters!"), and Winter shows him how to spy on children with a magic snowball.  Eventually, Kris is arrested, along with the Kringle cult, Winter and the penguin, and the Burgermeister throws them all in the dungeon, leading Jessica to have a bizarrely sincere, hair-down-hippie musical soliloquy (it always made me feel uncomfortable as a child).  Luckily, despite being behind bars, Winter still has a pocketful of magic corn that makes reindeer fly, which gives Jessica an idea.  Despite, again, those damn iron bars that Kris, the Kringles, the impotent wizard and a penguin are confined by, flying reindeer are the exact solution they need to get out of the dungeons, because apparently flying reindeer render prison walls and bars non-existent or something.  Either way, they make their escape, and Kris grows a great big, bushy beard and changes his name to Claus (no explanation about the 'Santa' part) to evade the law, marries Jessica (a sham, if you ask me) and moves to the North Pole.  That's how S.D. Kluger tells it anyway.
                                                                                                                                                                       NBC/Universal





















SANTA CLAUS IS COMIN' TO TOWN Highlights
  • "Wiggle my ears and tickle my toes, methinks I see a baby's nose! It's more than a nose. There's a whole baby attached to it. Better call my brothers. Wingle! Bingle! Tingle! Zingle!"  "What is it Dingle?"  "It's a baby, Zingle."  "A baby what, Wingle?"  "A baby baby, Tingle."  "I like babies, Bingle"  "Our baby's the best baby of them all, Wingle." 
  • Everything about the Burgermeister.  Dude is a badass.

Thursday, December 8, 2016

Christmas Carols

Charles Dickens's A Christmas Carol has been adapted to the film a lot.  Here's six of the most notable ones.  For another take on the story, check out my Facebook page Duckwise for the month of December 2016.

1938
A CHRISTMAS CAROL
Directed by Edwin L. Mann
Starring: Reginald Owen, Gene Lockhart, Kathleen Lockhart, Terry Kilburn, Barry MacKay, Lynne Carver, Leo G. Carroll, Lionel Braham, Ann Rutherford, Ronald Sinclair
Not Rated (G-level; mildly scary scenes).
69 minutes
As one of the first major Hollywood adaptations of A Christmas Carol in the sound era, in the "Golden Age of Hollywood", the 1938 version produced by prolific filmmaker Joseph L. Mankiewicz is one of those "classic" movies that seems to get more respect than it deserves.  On the bright side, as it comes near the front of the pack of Dickens adaptations, it doesn't follow the basic formula of scenes and word-by-word quotations that many do, so at least it's different, but it's also juvenile and bears many of the weaker traits of old-fashioned Hollywood.  It's a period film, but there's no mistaking for anything but a product of the '30s, and not in a particularly good way.  Originally intended to star Lionel Barrymore (which sounds pretty good, at least based on the fact that he well-known for playing the character on radio and played the Scrooge-like Mr. Potter in IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE), this version stars British character actor Reginald Owen (probably most familiar to audiences as the Banks' neighbor Admiral Boom in MARY POPPINS) in ridiculous hair and makeup.  Owen may be the weakest Scrooge on this list, a bland and cartoonish rendering with seriously distracting fake eyebrows.  Largely simplified and neutered of most of its darker elements, it's milquetoast with an excess of Old Hollywood varnish, including a Tiny Tim (Terry Kilburn) sporting a slick comb-over and a Fan Scrooge (Elvira Stevens) who talks like Shirley Temple.  Among some of the more interesting changes from the material (of which there aren't many, except for heavy excising of darker scenes), at the beginning of the film, Bob Cratchit (Gene Lockhart) accidentally knocks Scrooge's hat off with a snowball, prompting the old miser to fire him, a development that weighs on him over Christmas.


1951
SCROOGE  (U.S. release title: A CHRISTMAS CAROL) 
Directed by Brian Desmond Hurst
Starring: Alastair Sim, Mervyn Johns, Hermione Baddeley, Michael Hordern, Michael J. Dolan, Francis de Wolff, Brian Worth, Kathleen Harrison, Glyn Dearman, Roddy Hughes, Jack Warner, Olga Edwardes, Peter Bull
Not Rated (PG-level; some scary moments). 
86 minutes
A British production, the 1951 version, originally titled SCROOGE but released as A CHRISTMAS CAROL in the United States, is one of the film adaptations of Dickens' novel or of any Dickens novel.  It's another one that avoids too specific an adherence to the familiar prose, but instead of simplifying an already simple story, it expands upon areas of interest, especially in the area of the "Ghost of Christmas Past" section, which really packs a punch.  With the help of a script credited to Noel Langley, the cast of illustrious character actors plays out their overly familiar parts in unusually natural fashion and immediacy, more like a true adaptation rather than the knowing tributes to the well-known story that many other dramatizations of the story become.  Alastair Sim's Scrooge is cold, rudely direct and exasperated with everyone around him, smart and sympathetic, and frequently funny, and Michael Hordern has a terrific ghostly wail as Jacob Marley.  In this version, the Ghost of Christmas Past (Michael J. Dolan, an unusual male interpretation of the role which Dickens wrote as androgynous) shows Scrooge the course he took from a hopeful but poor young man to being a slick, ruthless and successful businessman, betraying the benevolence shown to him by Mr. Fezziwig (Roddy Hughes) and adopting the no-holds-barred capitalism of a new employer, Mr. Jorkin (Jack Warner), joining forces with the similarly savvy Marley and callously watching as his only friend dies as he struggles to warn Scrooge a time before to "save yourself".  Glyn Dearman is a little oversized as Tiny Tim, but not annoying, which is the biggest hurdle for anyone playing the sappy little crippled boy.  It's very handsome and authentic, turning Dickens brilliant but overplayed story fresh and engaging.

1984
A CHRISTMAS CAROL
Directed by Clive Donner
Starring: George C. Scott, Frank Finlay, David Warner, Susannah York, Angela Pleasence, Edward Woodward, Anthony Walters, Roger Rees, Caroline Langrishe, Lucy Gutteridge, Nigel Davenport, Mark Strickson, Timothy Bateson
Rated PG for unspecified reasons (some scary moments and mild language).
100 minutes
This is the other really great version of A Christmas Carol.  Perhaps it's unfair, but I'm usually dismissive of TV movies, but if it has George C. Scott in it, you have to check it out at least once, and if you watch it once, you realize how great this particular TV movie happens to be.  At first thought, Scott doesn't seem well suited to the role of Ebeneezer Scrooge, with his stalky build that clashes with the usually lean and shriveled vision of the character (not to mention he's American), but he does play cantankerous famously well.  He's also unusually boisterous, and damn it all, but you could watch George C. Scott act anything and it would be worth the time.  Like Sim's take, Scott plays Scrooge naturally, reciting well known lines of dialogue with freshness and immediacy, such as cracking up sadistically at his own "buried with a stake of holly through his heart" wit.  Although the movie is solid throughout, the scene of Marley's Ghost is masterful, and Frank Finlay is the best Marley I've ever seen.  Painted in a metallic blue, this Marley is tragic, his voice breaking during his monologue and his wails are very much in the vein of "weeping and gnashing of teeth"-style frustration.  He's ethereal enough, but never distant, and the words are rich with meaning in his delivery.  The framing is small for television, but the power of it is in the performances, and the on location production in historic Shrewbury, England, along with beautiful lighting and interesting faces add to a rich flavor.

1988
SCROOGED
Directed by Richard Donner
Starring: Bill Murray, Karen Allen, Alfre Woodard, John Forsythe, John Glover, Bobcat Goldthwait, David Johansen, Carol Kane, Robert Mitchum, Nicholas Phillips, Buddy Hackett
Rated PG-13 for unspecified reasons (thematic elements, some sensuality, language and scary images).
101 minutes
Here, we're going to take a sharp turn into retro modernization with the very weird Bill Murray starring vehicle, SCROOGED.  Written by recurring Murray collaborator Mitch Glazer and initial Saturday Night Live head writer Michael O'Donoghue, and directed by Richard Donner (fresh off of LETHAL WEAPON, arguably his best movie), perhaps the best way to describe it is 'undisciplined'.  SCROOGED is very funny on a certain level, but objectively, it's not exactly good.  It's nuts, and not in a way that comes together.  Murray plays Frank Cross, a then-modern day (1988) Scrooge of a television network executive producing a big-budget live adaptation of "A Christmas Carol" when he's visited by the grotesquely decayed corpse of his former mentor (John Forsythe, buried under excellent makeup effects) who heralds the coming of three spirits.  The Ghost of Christmas Past (David Johansen), a cigar-smoking New York cab driver, shows him the things he gave up to pursue his career, including a relationship with an old girlfriend, Claire (Karen Allen), while the Ghost of Christmas Present (Carol Kane), a sugary sweet fairy with a proclivity for violence, shows him how he mistreats his assistant Grace (Alfre Woodard), and the ghoulish Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come does his usual thing.  Meanwhile, the arrival of each of the spirits creates disaster for Frank in the middle of production while a young upstart (Brice Cummings) is gunning for his job, and an employee fired the day before, Eliot Loudermilk (Bobcat Goldthwait), is aimlessly plotting revenge.  The movie is all over the place and full of bizarre tonal shifts between manic comedy and really dark stuff, and while the sugary sweetness of the finale is precluded by a lot of mean-spirited joking around, it doesn't feel earned.  It doesn't know whether to take itself seriously or to just be an all-out farce, but it takes aim at either alternating direction with aggressive energy.  There is the strangest sequence just following the Ghost of Christmas Present segment in which Frank discovers the dead frozen body of a homeless man he met earlier underneath the streets.  I sort of get it, but it's such a dark and inappropriate turn for this kind of movie.  But Johansen and Kane are both hilarious, and even as things turn really black for Goldthwait's characters, I get a kick out of all his scenes.  Bill Murray gives him a "zerbert" on the belly.  Just beautiful.

1992 
THE MUPPET CHRISTMAS CAROL
Directed by Brian Henson
Starring: Michael Caine, Steven Mackintosh, Meredith Braun, Robin Weaver
Muppets Performed by: David Goelz, Steve Whitmire, Jerry Nelson, Frank Oz, David Rudman, Don Austen, Jessica Fox (voice only), Robert Tygner
Rated G
86 minutes
The Muppet version of A Christmas Carol was my introduction to the story and one of the most prominent Christmas movies of my childhood.  It's alright.  The first movie starring the Muppets since the death of Jim Henson in 1990, it's pretty strange in the canon of Muppet movies.  For one, the Muppets are playing roles rather than themselves, something they repeated in MUPPET TREASURE ISLAND and had done in other contexts, but weirder is that the Muppets play it largely with reverence.  It's hardly a somber film, but it's pretty faithful to the story and that becomes really questionable when the freaking Muppets start talking about death and Christianity with complete sincerity.  I mean, say what?  Muppets can die?  They can get sick and die?  They believe in God?  Is he a Muppet god?  It's just a little too weird.  The songs are pretty good, and some of them are great, although the "extended cut" (the version on the VHS release was extended, but both the extended and the theatrical are included on the DVD) contains the very Muppet-less "When Love is Gone" which drags the whole movie to a screeching halt.  Infamous (for better and worse) Disney exec Jeffrey Katzenberg cut the scene against the director's wishes, without it, the cut is obvious, and the song tied into the concluding number, "The Love We Found", plus Katzenberg was plainly wrong before when he wanted to cut "Part of Your World" from THE LITTLE MERMAID, so I get it, but when I was a kid, the song was where the movie lost my attention, and the scene still feels like a slog.  Plus, young Scrooge in that scene is really wooden.  In terms of better songs, the opening number "Scrooge", "Marley and Marley" and the Ghost of Christmas Present's song "It Feels Like Christmas" are all standouts.  "Scrooge", in particular, had a significant impact on me as a child, and I still which I could dress in black trousers, a waistcoat, gloves and a fancy-ass cape and walk around coolly with a cane while listening to my footsteps, but that's just not socially acceptable, so f*** it.

2009
A CHRISTMAS CAROL
Directed by Robert Zemeckis
Starring: Jim Carrey, Gary Oldman, Colin Firth, Robin Wright, Daryl Sabara, Bob Hoskins, Cary Elwes, Steve Valentine, Ryan Ochoa, Sammi Hanratty
Rated PG for scary sequences and images.
95 minutes
Poor Robert Zemeckis.  He spent years pushing and pioneering "motion-capture"-based animated films and digital 3D, and a month after his A CHRISTMAS CAROL, a movie with the full weight of the Disney marketing machine behind it, opened to mixed reviews and decent box office, James Cameron's mo-cap-heavy 3D extravaganza AVATAR tears into theaters to become the biggest movie of all time and becomes the heavily Oscar-nominated toast of Hollywood.  To be fair though, even with its luster soon lost after the hype died down, AVATAR is still a decent action-adventure movie, and Zemeckis' A CHRISTMAS CAROL is all kinds of messed up.  I took a date to it in my senior year of high school.  It was much more about the girl than the movie, and it was 2009, so there were no good movies, and at least this one had the novelty of being in 3D.  Within the trilogy of mo-cap productions directed by Zemeckis, A CHRISTMAS CAROL is a substantial improvement on THE POLAR EXPRESS, but not as good as BEOWULF.  Zemeckis has made some great films, masterpieces for the ages even, such as BACK TO THE FUTURE and WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBIT, which is improbable because his most significant trademarks as a director are a slavish devotion to pioneering innovative effects technology and nostalgia.  But the man knows what he's doing when he bothers to do it.  With A CHRISTMAS CAROL, he has a lot of the right ideas but then misfires by blowing his load wildly on every possible excess he can come up with.  For one, it's excessively grotesque, like Zemeckis is trying to mess with the Disney label by opening his movie with a smash cut to Marley's dead face.  Worse, in the middle of Marley's wonderful "mankind was my business" monologue, Zemeckis undercuts everything by turning it into a gross-out comic beat when Marley's mouth rips wide open at the cheeks, leaving his jaw dangling and forcing him to puppeteer his own mouth.  This on top of an already awful take on Marley acted by Gary Oldman, turning the tragic figure into an utterly distant and largely frozen specter.  Seriously though, this movie is going out of its way to terrorize any children who unwittingly watch it, which I'd be fine with if it wasn't so often to the detriment of the material.  Also on the list of bizarre excesses, Scrooge is inexplicably shrunk down to the size of a mouse during the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come section, complete with an accompanying high-pitch silly voice.  Why?  Um, because.  There are plenty of the wildly swooping, extended camera shots through the Victorian London streets that you can only get from this sort of totally digital domain, and they look really cool in 3D, but always excessive and only more so without the 3D effect.  The hyper-realistic animation looks pretty good, especially compared to THE POLAR EXPRESS (although still not on the level of THE ADVENTURES OF TINTIN), and the production design of a classic Dickensian London Christmas is great, though.  The music by Alan Silvestri is also very good, complete with a jubilant original song, "God Bless Us Everyone" performed by Andrea Bocelli.  In the leading role, as well as performing each of the Christmas Spirits through the wonders of motion-capture, Jim Carrey is generally good, but he's never convincing as four completely separate characters (to be fair, there is a brief acknowledgement of similarity between his laugh as Scrooge and his laugh as the Ghost of Christmas Present) and as Scrooge, his voice work sounds like a young man trying to sound old.